Roles and Reversals

I am sitting here at my friend's apartment. It is communal. I am on the computer, Joe is playing FF12, and Matt is talking on his cell. Matt is trying to get the WEP key for the apartment's wifi router from Joe's sister. With varied bits of success.


These are people who's company I enjoy, even though our lives are going in different directions. But for the present set of time things are harmonious.

I think about where my life was a year ago. I often make these comparisons. Not really judging myself, but for the exercise of analysis. I believe is it important to do this because if I didn't I would imagine there would be a feeling no direction.

I haven't moved forward, but backward.

Troublesome.

The weight of water

Summer is coming to an end. My employment has broken apart. My 4th semester at college begins in less than a week. Somewhere in all this I am supposed to open the door that gets me out of St. Louis.

It is possible, that by the end of the year I will be set to head to Seattle, hardly looking back at the midwest. A blind jump in a cold lake.

I've always been interested in cold water.

Historical Footnotes

Get Hyphy

Amusing

The young folks I know in St. Louis either despise the time spent here away from college or are in denial of the shitty people they call friends.

I learned a long time ago to keep the exploiters at at arms length. Its hard to push away people who constantly bum rides, talk shit about you, and do everything in their power to not grow up. Those people tend to have some characteristic that is appealing, a certain outgoingness is usually the case. Bohemian attitude a close second.

But these young folks, like those who returned to the Zone of Alienation after the nuclear disaster of 1986, they believe in and pray for something that will never be.

Ever Changing

December wasn't the greatest time. I was broke, had no job, and just got kicked out of a band in a mess of bad circumstances and drama.

It was a lot like this:
I always say the ditch I just wormed (no pun intended) out of was the worst one I ever knew, but its a cycle that I will say the same about the next measurable period of my life. That could be seen as an expression of the progression of existence or the denial of repetitive failure. Obviously, it is in my best interest to be unsure.

How was I going to pay for college? What was I going to do with this crap in my kitchen? Shit, how was I going to feed myself? In the middle of all this frustration, all these thoughts of things ahead, the impending reality of all of those things; I had a dream. I was in a room so bright and ornate. A window that seemed to stretch beyond the angle of my neck. Overwhelming contrast was so present, everything had a white edge. In front of me was one of my now former band mates, looking through me he said: "Welcome to The Verve".

The room, and the booming declaration from someone who I was at odds with stayed with me stronger than most dreams. So much so that I took the most striking elements of the dream and wrote them down in prose. For almost 6 months this sat, relatively unchanged save for a few paragraphs that felt right. Of course, what to do with these 3 pages of text didn't leave my mind often. There was something in it all worth cultivating into something more. There were characters, I left them ambiguous enough for change. But the plot, the direction, it took months to come to what I felt was the right road. I ended with two characters left open ended and one set on a more concrete ideal. The plot with elements of black and white, the separation between stimulation artificial and stimulation felt. It took a lot of thought, deliberation, and time to get where I am right now. I just hope the end result is the sublime, is the worthwhile.

2 Days Off

I am going to drink and play video games and read and find a new job like I caught that shit breakin' into my house.

Word.